Wednesday, 30 April 2014

sockbridge english dictionary

The small hamlet of Sockbridge lies about three miles southwest of my home town in the UK. It doesn’t have a shop, or a church. Or a pub. But it does have a trout farm, and it is also home to a small publishing house that specializes in recording changes in English-language usage in modern times. It does so via the medium of its little-known English-language dictionary, the latest edition of which I’ve been assured will be published soon.

“We’ve set as a tentative date for publication the 29th of February in the next year that ends with a double zero,” said managing editor Pete Bogge.

Meanwhile, I’ve been given exclusive access (i.e., a press release) to new definitions of old words that will appear in the new dictionary. Here are some examples:

abandon live entertainment.
accompany affirm.
address female adder.
adultery what grown-ups get up to when they think nobody’s watching.
baccarat support a rodent.
becalm do not panic.
behalf accept a partner.
capsize cranial capacity.
conscience creationism.
contemplate blueprint for successful fraud.
deliberate imprison.
excrement opposite of increment.
express retired journalist.
furbelow pubic hair.
hospice equine urine.
hundred morbid fear of horsemen from the east.
impale beer drunk by pixies.
incite visible.
inquest search for overnight accommodation.
noble short and to the point.
pecan type of crude urinal.
penitent cheap item of camping equipment.
plaintiff routine argument.
prelate early.
propagate entrance that is fit for purpose.
seedy obsolescent format for recorded music.
shampoo fake shit.
stairwell look closely.
suppress initiate litigation against a newspaper.
worships scrap metal.

The editors can also confirm the following:
An island is land; and
The Holy Land is wholly land.

“We’re accepting advance orders now,” said sales director Bill Borde.


  1. Hi Dennis...

    Those were all good (good and funny).

    1. Thanks Pat. All original too, although listeners to BBC Radio Four’s self-defined “antidote to panel games”, I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, will recognize where I got the idea from.


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